Oh yeah, that’s right. I went to the Emmys, you guys. Let’s pretend to be cool about it.
So, my trip to Los Angeles started out with a ride in a plane, all by my lonesome since Dan couldn’t come on this trip. I already dislike flying immensely, and doing it alone…no fun at all.
The only way to get by was with lots of knitting and reading. (Socks! Drachenschwingen by Julia Rotfeder, in Denali by Pagewood Farms, in case anyone wants to know.)
As soon as I touched down at LAX, my first adventure with an Uber driver began. We already know how one of those worked out on this trip, but trust me, this one had much less vomit involved. My first Uber driver was a fashion designer who picked up extra money on the side driving people from the airport on her way home from her studio. Or at least that’s what she told me. Either way, pretty cool.
She brought me to the adorable Tangerine Hotel in Burbank where my brother and sister-in-law were waiting for me, and we wasted no time getting started doing some touristy things.
Like going to Grauman’s Chinese Theatre, and going shopping around the Walk of Fame. Humphrey Bogart seems like my kind of guy.
I made my own chocolate bar at an otherwise disappointing candy store that I will not name here (and let’s all pretend that the name of the store isn’t on that order form or that I wasn’t so lazy that I didn’t edit the picture to remove it). Seriously, if you call yourself the world’s largest candy store, you shouldn’t have more stock in souvenir t-shirts than things that are edible.
But the chocolate bar was downright tasty. I may have missed my calling.
Then we met Lady Gaga.
Kidding. We went to Madame Tussaud’s and had an awesome time. I will spare you the 50 or so close-up pictures that I have of celebrity faces that are entertaining only to me. I did send Dan a picture of me with Brad Pitt declaring that I was stealing his boyfriend, but he was only fooled for a second.
Who am I kidding anyway? Brad Pitt would run away with Dan in a heartbeat. I also jumped on a bicycle and channeled my best Elliott pedaling away with E.T. These are the things you do when you are a sleep-deprived person forced to get on a plane.
The next day, the Reading Rainbow Live! event happened. Go ahead and read all about it if you missed it.
Am I done talking about things that aren’t the Emmys yet?
Now, originally, when my brother had told me about this trip, he merely said that we’d be attending a “special event” on Sunday, and that I needed to buy a nice dress. Later, I found out exactly what the event was, which is a good thing, because I tend to go out of my way to not get dressed up for any reason. Which would have been bad.
As soon as I knew that I needed an awesome dress (and that I didn’t really want to look like I was going to the prom), I knew exactly where to go. Trashy Diva is a fantastic shop here in New Orleans that sells handmade vintage-inspired dresses with a huge range of styles, fabrics, and sizes, and there had been one calling to me for a few weeks that I just needed an excuse to splurge on.
The Honey Child dress in the Geisha Fans print. Excuse the picture in my front hallway, but it was love at first sight. Who doesn’t want to walk into a black tie event with the most beautiful people in the world wearing a dress covered in origami swans? And I’m not one for meme-speak, but those shoes tho.
The ladies at Trashy Diva were super awesome about helping me pick the right size (which can be difficult for those of us who are just slightly larger than the sizes that stores think women are), the right shoes (with the least amount of risk of breaking my face open), and the right shapewear underneath (my first experience with the wonder that is Spanx). I started out super uncomfortable at the prospect of walking into the event at all, but with their help, I was nothing but excited (although I’m pretty sure that no matter what dress you buy, there’s pretty much no way you can eat while you’re wearing it, right?).
My brother purchased these tickets for some sort of insane amount of money, but that doesn’t mean that you get to hang out with famous people. Nope, you get your very own red carpet, made from Astroturf, carefully separated from the real red carpet.
And the weather was pushing 100 degrees that day, so we tried to move it along and stay out of the direct sunlight as best we could.
But, there were gaps in the fabric that separated the two sides from each other, and when I peeked through…
Stephen Merchant! I tried to point him out to my brother and sister-in-law and the tiny crowd that had formed around us at our hidey-hole, but no one else knew who he was, which is tragic. I hope that they all investigated the Ricky Gervais Podcast, as I suggested.
At the end of our Astroturf carpet, the two red carpets sort of merged together. We were still separated by a line of plants and velvet ropes, but it was the perfect place to watch people walk majestically up and down the red carpet.
Like Heidi Klum! She came over to the rope to fix her shoe and said hello to everyone.
And Fred Savage! Who at first looked like he might come and smack the phone out of my hand.
But then saw someone he knew and resumed looking adorable.
Retta walked by, and I was in awe of her amazing pink dress. Is it covered in flower petals? Butterflies? I have no idea, but it was so lovely.
And this dress! Oh my god, I have no idea who this gorgeous girl is (and if anyone knows, please let me know), but that dress is so cool I can’t even stand it. She walked with it held up in front of her and looked like she was gliding everywhere.
It’s moments like that that make you realize that you are probably sweating all the way through and wrinkling what you thought was your fabulous cocktail dress, ending up looking like a wet napkin next to these ridiculous goddess women.
Speaking of goddesses…Laura Prepon, Jaimie Alexander, Laverne Cox…I felt like a lowly peasant woman. Laverne Cox came right up to us and waved at everyone and thanked them for coming. I was too busy being stunned to get a picture of her that was in focus.
Tituss Burgess! He had everyone laughing in his interview up on the stairs.
It was also super awesome when Jamie Lee Curtis came up to us to say hello. Not just wave and walk by, but she stopped and said that she hoped we weren’t melting in the heat (which we were) and that she hoped we were having a good time (which we also were). Her show Scream Queens is filming here in New Orleans, and I might have to keep an eye out for her now. Hers is definitely my favorite picture that I took on the red carpet.
Taraji P. Henson just looked so incredibly happy and beautiful as she walked by and waved to everyone.
And to cap it all off, I saw Gwendoline Christie…
And Nikolaj Coster-Waldau right at the end, very nearly in the same frame. I don’t think my brain would have been able to handle it if I had gotten Brienne and Jaime in the same picture, so it’s good that they spared me. Gwendoline Christie looked like a Greek statue come to life. She is so beautiful that it pains me.
Now, time for some fun Emmy facts. They sell all kinds of snacks and beverages in the theatre, but they don’t let you go to your seat with any of it.
So I basically slammed down a flute of champagne because I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to hack it in those shoes much longer.
We were sitting right in the middle of the loge section, which is the second-highest area in the theatre, so even though you could see the people on stage, you couldn’t make out anything in terms of actual facial expressions. No fear, though, there are huge screens on the sides of the stage to help the audience actually see the show.
This is what it looked like during a commercial break for the most part.
One of the coolest things about the set was where the band was sitting, which, from what I gathered from those who watched it on TV, was tragically not really revealed to them.
The band was inside of the giant scenic column the entire time, hidden by the rings of video screens. How freaking cool is that? During every commercial break, the band would continue playing long after the lights came up, and then the video screens would display for the audience how long they had before the live broadcast started again. (Oh, and I can’t leave out that before the show started, they had whatever football game was playing on Fox up on those screens. One of the guys behind us said, “They have the game on? This is the best day!”)
Usually the band would stop playing rather abruptly when there was 1-2 minutes left so that they could pick up on the right section when the show started again. Then, the whole audience would hear the stage manager call the time left before the feed picked back up again. There were requests for applause at strategic moments, and we were told to respectfully stay quiet during the “In Memoriam” section.
Also, when you see the show live, you don’t get to see the moments where the winners walk to stage. I imagine this is because if the cameramen caught the video screens on the side in their frame, it would probably loop back and cause one of those infinite loop things that seemed very cool back when I was in my high school television class. You don’t get to hear the announcer lady with the interesting facts about each winner either. You just clap and clap and clap until you can’t clap anymore.
I’m trying to sit and process and pick out my favorite moments from the show for you, but the whole thing just seems like a blur now. I clapped and screamed my heart out for Jeffrey Tambor, Allison Janney, Uzo Aduba, Peter Dinklage, Jon Hamm, and Tracy Morgan — that at least I remember. I delighted in Andy Samberg, just like I normally do. I engaged in a battle of wits with a dude sitting on my left that thought that he needed both armrests at all times so that he could text more efficiently, I guess.
Most of all, I had fun.
Then we made it a point to get back to the hotel as soon as possible, change out of those crazy black tie outfits, and eat a whole bunch of pizza. It was great.