Mr. Sedaris, I Made You an Owl

David Sedaris might be the funniest man alive. Anyone who’s ever heard him read aloud one of his stories would definitely not argue with me on this point.

I’m fairly certain that the first experience I ever had with David Sedaris’s writing came when, before embarking on a study-abroad-type of activity, my fellow students and I sat down and listened to one of his This American Life pieces about foreign travel. (I can’t for the life of me remember which piece this was or find it now on the great wide interwebs, but this one is similar in tone and eight kinds of awesome, so you should listen to it.) I then worked my way through his entire catalogue, at the time, and haven’t stopped since.

He’s coming to a book signing in Baton Rouge next week, and this will be the first time that I’ve ever been able to actually go and see him live. In the 10 years since I began loving his work, there has always been something that prevented me from being able to see his readings, whether it be distance, money, or work restrictions. However, now that I’m going to see him soon, I’m having real trouble keeping myself from having inappropriate giddy spaz-out moments of fan girldom.

It’s weird.

  

It’s a strange moment when you let other people in on how excited something makes you. When you trust your friends to understand that a fifty-something essayist can bring out feelings in you that make you want to knit an owl, it’s an important moment in your grown-up life.

  

David Sedaris’s new book is called Let’s Explore Diabetes with Owls, and in one of the new essays, “Understanding Understanding Owls,” he details his experiences in attempting to purchase a taxidermied owl as the greatest Valentine’s Day present ever.

What do you give a man like that in order to show him how much he has touched your life with his humor and weirdness? A tiny, fat, stuffed owl, obviously.

The pattern is the completely adorable Little Black Owl from Kat Lewinski. This turns out a delightfully chubby owllette who is just begging to be handed to a New York Times bestselling author.  One who will hopefully not conclude that you are a crazy person for knitting and giving him an owl.

The only think left to do is to give this little round ball of cute a name, I think. I’m attempting to think of something abstract and in French (and those of you who are in the know are giggling a bit, I’m sure). Right now, Dan and I are debating between Monsieur Bricolage (translating to DIY or home improvement) or Monsieur Débroussaillage (a clearing of the undergrowth).

I’m leaning towards Bricolage.

Baking the Holy Grail – Strawberry Chocolate Oasis Pie

Like every other baker in the history of ever, I adore the movie Waitress, if not only for the delightfully quirky comedy or the lush scenes of melted chocolate pouring nearly erotically into perfectly formed pie crusts (seriously), but for the moments of stillness and calm provided by the profoundly simple act of baking a pie for someone you love. Very few moments in film stop and dwell in this world in quite the same way, and for those of us who revel in recreating these moments in our everyday lives — whether it be through baking, sewing, knitting, gardening, carpentry, book-binding, calligraphy, fly fishing…or whatever nerdy thing you can’t live without — the art of the handmade often lies not in the product, but the process. The few perfect moments you get to spend when you aren’t thinking about your bank statement or your job or the vacuuming that desperately needs to be done, and it’s just you and the craft.

In this movie, there is a holy grail of pie, the Strawberry Chocolate Oasis Pie. Now, we never really see this pie or hear the ingredients mentioned in any real way, but, again, like all bakers in the history of ever, I just had to make one. Here’s the clues we have to go on, succinctly put by Andy Griffith: “It could solve all the problems of the world, that pie. A thing of beauty. How each flavor opens itself one by one, like a chapter in a book. First, the flavor of an exotic spice hits you, just the hint of it. And then you’re flooded with chocolate, dark and bittersweet, like an old love affair. And finally strawberry, the way strawberry was always supposed to taste but never knew how.”

How do you resist that challenge? You can’t! You buy some baking chocolate and some strawberries, and you get to it.

My version of the Strawberry Chocolate Oasis Pie involves a cinnamon-spiced chocolate graham cracker crust, french silk filling, fresh sliced strawberries, and a topper of sweet whipped cream. Let’s do this.

Chocolate graham crackers get spun up into crumbs in the food processor and then mixed up with some sugar, cinnamon, and melted butter.

We spread out this Oreo-looking delicious stuff into our 9″ deep-dish pie pan, and then bake it up.

While that’s baking? More chocolate!

I had never made French silk pie before, and Betty helped me out. More chocolate, butter, and sugar get whipped up with vanilla and eggs (or egg substitute, if you can’t do the raw egg thing, like me) into silky perfection.

Spread it out into the cooled pie crust. Now, time to display some willpower and refrigerate that beast for at least 2 hours before proceeding.

Then slice up some strawberries and arrange them as artfully as you can stand on top of the partially solidified chocolate filling.

I’m mostly kidding on the ‘artfully’ part because that’s all going to get covered up with whipped cream in about a second.

It doesn’t look like much all covered up, but that’s part of the fun! Anybody taking a unsuspecting bite of this beauty will be delighted by that strawberry surprise. The crunchy crust warms everything up with cinnamon and sweetness. The chocolate is rich and creamy, and the tartness of the fresh berries cuts right through, leaving you with a mouth full of spiced chocolate strawberry goodness and no room for complaints.

Now, take care in slicing this guy. It’s helpful to refrigerate it a little bit more before slicing just to get all the layers solidified. Then be sure to use a sharp knife to cut through those strawberries and crust to get a clean slice.

It took a try or two, but success occurred! (And that red and white striped t-shirt matching the pie? Completely unintentional, I promise.)

Strawberry chocolate oasis success. Now, I don’t know if you can solve all of the problems of the world with this particular pie, but it will certainly get you closer.

Jinger’s Strawberry Chocolate Oasis Pie
inspired by Waitress, and with a little assistance from Betty Crocker

Ingredients:
Chocolate Cinnamon Graham Cracker Crust:
1 1/2 cups finely crushed chocolate graham crackers (I used one sleeve, about 18 squares)
1/3 cup butter or margarine, melted
3 tbsp. sugar
1 tsp. cinnamon

French Silk Pie Filling:
1 cup sugar
3/4 cup butter, softened
1 1/2 tsp. vanilla
3 oz. unsweetened baking chocolate, melted and then cooled
3/4 cup egg substitute

1/2 lb. sliced strawberries
3/4 cup heavy whipping cream
1 tsp. vanilla
1 tbsp. sugar

Directions:
Crust:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Stir all ingredients together in a medium bowl until well-incorporated. Press mixture firmly against the bottom and sides of a 9″ deep-dish pie pan.

Bake for approximately 12 minutes. Allow to cool completely before filling.

Filling:
In medium bowl, beat sugar and butter with electric mixer on medium speed until light and fluffy. Beat in vanilla and cooled chocolate. Gradually add in egg substitute and beat on high speed until mixture is light and fluffy (about 3 minutes).

Pour into pie crust and spread evenly. Refrigerate for at least 2 hours. Resist the urge to lick the entire bowl clean. Seriously.

After filling has chilled sufficiently, arrange sliced strawberries on top of chocolate. Press the strawberries slightly into the filling, to keep the layers from slipping.

Combine remaining ingredients in chilled mixing bowl and whip cream on high speed until super fluffy and spreadable. Spread whipped cream over the top of the sliced strawberries until completely covered.

Chill entire pie for 30 minutes to an hour so that everything comes together and slices more evenly.

Now pretend you’re in a quirky romantic indie comedy and enjoy! I think Adrienne Shelly would be proud.

Coconut Chocolate Chip Ice Cream Will Make Your Life Better, Guaranteed.

Sometimes you long for something for no good reason other than it would seriously up the awesome quotient of your life. Others don’t necessarily share your rampant desire, and they don’t have to, because you are a person on a mission. A person who needs to own an ice cream maker.

A person who seriously needs to get someone else to purchase said ice cream maker because part of the fun of the chase is getting other people to participate unwillingly in this dream. Plus, who has so many dollars that they can just throw at one more piece of kitchen equipment that only does one thing? Not this person. Nope. That needs to be something that you mention casually to every person you know every single time you see one in a store or a catalog or on an awesome food blog and say just how much better your life would be with the possibility of homemade ice cream just around the corner every second of the day.

Well, ladies and gentlemen…dreams do come true.

Dan bought me the ice cream maker attachment to my KitchenAid mixer (another fantasy kitchen item acquired through extremely subtle…whining) for our anniversary last week, and we set sail on maiden voyage of homemade ice cream by fixing up some coconut chocolate chip ice cream. Wait…let’s capitalize that up and give it the gravity it deserves. Coconut Chocolate Chip Ice Cream. Made by yours truly.

A little research yielded up The Hungry Mouse‘s amazing 3-Ingredient Coconut Ice Cream, which is creamy and delicious, and vegan, of all things! Coconut milk, sugar, and vanilla are all you need to get started here.

Now, coconut milk straight out of the can is pretty disgusting. You just have to get past that part and blend, blend, blend.

Then you pour it into your awesome new ice cream maker contraption and…just stand there staring. At least that’s what I did. For about 20 minutes straight. Because making ice cream is just slow enough to be both simultaneously extremely boring and immensely engrossing. It’s science! It’s colloids and emulsification and suspensions and chocolate chips.

And coconut. I added a half cup of semisweet chocolate chips and a half cup of sweetened shredded coconut to the recipe near the end of the mixing process. I should have put more chocolate chips in there. You could always use more chocolate chips. Also, toasting up that coconut is another great idea that I didn’t have the patience for at the time. You should do that.

True to form, I also made a salad while the mixing was occurring. I used my overly-educated nursing school brain and figured green salad for lunch cancels out ice cream fatty goodness for dessert, right? So much science up in this place, it’s scary, isn’t it?

And you guys, it was everything I hoped it would be. Awesomeness quotient went up by at least 20 points, by conservative estimates. It was sweet and nutty and creamy and freaking delicious. We couldn’t even wait for it to freeze all the way through, because it was singing its siren song from the freezer, and we were antsy. (And letting it go overnight was just not an option, am I right? That’s just ridiculous.) Also, letting it finish freezing, like you’re supposed to? Makes things even better the next day. And the day after that. And every other day of your life ever.

I think that our summer is going to be full of plenty more frozen treats, and we may collectively gain a bazillion pounds. What do we try next? Italian ice? Gelato? A fancy fruit sorbet of some kind? I seriously need some guidance because my brain may explode from all the possibilities. Lend me your guidance, ice cream fans of the internet. Our summer depends on you!

Late for Work Smoothies

I decided that I would indulge in two treats this morning. One, that I would allow myself to post on my blog after just completing a 49-page paper about lupus. (Didn’t think that there was that much of interest to say about lupus? You’re right! But certain things must be overlooked in the interest of getting a nursing degree.)

Two, that I would enjoy a delicious smoothie made by the best smoothie-maker that lives in this house. By not me, of course. By Dan.

Dan’s smoothies are always delicious, always unique (which made it hard to pin him down on measurements for this recipe), and always enacted at the very last minute, hence the title…Late for Work Smoothies.

Since both of our work and school demands shove us out of the house earlier and earlier every morning, this smoothie is the perfect thing to waste those last few precious moments on as you’re attempting to run out of the door. It’s relatively quick to put together, super healthy, and a tarty kick to your taste buds first thing in the morning.

Let’s get with the smoothie-making!

Late for Work Smoothies
from Dan’s kitchen imagination

A word to the wise: Take all of the following ingredients and measurements with a grain of salt. Measurements are not as important to my better half as they are to my OCD-tendency self.

Ingredients:
4 large ice cubes
heaping 1/3 cup frozen blueberries
heaping 1/3 cup frozen raspberries
2/3 cup oats
2/3 cup grape juice (but that’s just what we had on hand…you could substitute orange juice or cranberry juice and it’s just as delicious)
1/3 cup of pineapple juice, with some pineapple chunks thrown in, if you’re adventurous
1 whole banana (on the smallish side)
3 heaping scoops of fat-free vanilla yogurt (Let’s assume we all know what scoops means. We all do, right?)

Directions:
Add ice cubes to blender and give them a few pulses to get the ice chopped up first. We found that this works best with our blender so that the resulting drink still has delicious bits of fruit and oatmeal without large, distracting ice chunks getting in the way.

Toss everything else into the blender and blend away on the ‘chop’ setting. Again, we want little evenly distributed bits of fruit and goodness, not a completely liquified mess. I particularly love a smoothie that’s got some tooth to it, and chewing on those tiny bits of oatmeal makes me happy.

Pour it into your travel cup of choice and run out the door!

This recipe makes around 20 oz. of bright purple smoothie craziness, perfect for your hardcore smoothie enthusiast, or just enough for two to share if you just want a fancy drink with breakfast.

You can make the whole thing even more tart and tangy by leaving out the banana, if you wish. But really, all that banana and oatmeal in there is all the breakfast you need, keeping you all filled up and ready to go until lunch, especially if you need to perform the exceptionally dreary task of writing a paper about lupus.

Drink it up and be happy all morning!

Love, a Day Late

I love the first sip of coconut bubble tea. I love the tiny crystal bunny that hangs in my car window that puts rainbows all over my steering wheel in the morning. I love the feeling of squishy garter stitch knitting underneath my needles. I love opening a new book for the first time. I love the moment right before a cake slides perfectly out of a Bundt pan.

I love the first strawberries of spring.

I love butter and sugar.

I am also a really big fan of novelty cookie cutters.

And making a huge mess of my countertop.

I love looking down at my new cute apron. (Thanks again, Brittany!)

However, no matter what tiny amazing things capture my attention, there will never be anything I love more than making strawberry shortcake for the love of my life.

Sweet scones. Strawberries with sugar. Fresh sweetened whipped cream. (Recipe from the Joy of Baking, by the by.)

Stack it all up, and then let someone else take better pictures than you can.

There we go. Much better.

Oops, make sure you let everyone on Facebook know that you made dessert first. That’ll make it extra romantic.

This man right here is responsible for the more artistic shots, of course. And for taking care of me when I need him to, making me laugh every single day, feeding me amazing spaghetti, knowing exactly the right presents to buy, going through flashcards for hours, letting me teach him how to knit, forcing me to ride my bike, having great taste in shoes, dancing masterfully around the kitchen, taking hundreds of pictures of the cat, and for just generally being an amazing person that I feel supremely lucky to have in my life.

Thank you. For eating strawberry shortcake with such gusto.

You’re my favorite.

Smells Like the Holidays – Orange Chocolate Granola

Sometimes trying new things ends in disaster.

For instance, yesterday, I attempted to eat a grapefruit. I have never liked grapefruit, but I had really high hopes for this homegrown pink beauty that was given to us with nothing but friendship in mind. Needless to say, it didn’t end well.

However, sometimes you take a chance on something, and things go so much better than expected.

Last year, I tried my hand at homemade candies of various types, with mostly positive results (and moderately singed fingers), but I figured this year we’d go a little healthier. And a little safer on the digits.  Granola it is!

Two different granola recipes from Joy the Baker were the major inspiration for this recipe, but the combination of chocolate and orange is what really screams “holidays” for me.

Photos for this post provided by Dan, of course, as you can tell by my oh-so-glamorous-and-attractive face here. Seriously, why don’t I have my own cooking show already?

The orange kick in this granola is provided by copious amounts of orange zest, which will make your kitchen and house smell just as festive as your party favors.

Hell yes. How can you go wrong with almonds, walnuts, coconut, cocoa powder, and orange zest? You just can’t.

And then we add honey and butter? Oh my.

Almost forgot the brown sugar.

Mix. Mix. Mix.

Spread. Spread. Spread.

Resist the urge to eat the pre-baked granola while it’s sitting there being so fragrant and delicious.

Bake. Bake. Bake. And then stir. Stir.

You only stir twice. Combo breaker!

Fill up those goodie bags! And then top with a heaping spoonful of mini chocolate chips to make the whole thing even more festive.

Yum.

This recipe makes two pans full of toasty granola, which was enough for 11 people to get a healthy breakfast-sized portion.

Spoon it up on top of some yogurt or ice cream or just eat it by the handful like those of us with no willpower do. Enjoy that chocolate and orange and make the holidays last just a bit longer into the new year!

Orange Chocolate Granola
inspired by Joy the Baker‘s Toasted Almond Granola and Cocoa Almond Granola

Ingredients:
4 cups oats
1 cup whole raw almonds
1 cup roughly chopped walnuts
1/2 cup shredded sweetened coconut
1 tsp. cinnamon
2 tbsp. unsweetened cocoa powder
1/2 tsp. salt
zest from 2 large oranges (approx. 2 tbsp.)
2 1/2 tbsp. butter
scant 1/4 cup vegetable oil
1/4 cup honey
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 tsp. vanilla extract
mini chocolate chips, for topping

Directions:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Cover two large cookie sheets with parchment paper.

Mix together all ingredients from oats to orange zest in a large bowl. Make sure that everything is as equally coated with cinnamon and cocoa powder as you can get it and that the zest is well-distributed.

Heat the butter, vegetable oil, honey, and brown sugar in a medium saucepan over medium heat until melted. Allow mixture to briefly come to a boil and then remove from heat. We want to make sure that everything’s slightly caramel-y so that our granola isn’t too soft from the orange oil. Add the vanilla extract after you’re done with the heat and mix well.

Pour the butter and sugar mixture over the oats and mix well with a rubber spatula, making sure to get all the good bits completely covered with sugar. This might take a while. Be patient.

Spread the mixture evenly in a thin layer over both cookie sheets. Place in the oven and bake for 25-30 minutes, stirring twice during baking time to prevent scorching.

Allow granola to cool completely on the cookie sheets and then break apart. Add chocolate chips here as you transfer your granola to a large airtight container or into individual goodie bags. The more the better.

—–

A super special holiday thanks to all my readers who voted for me in Movita‘s gingerbread throwdown! I felt your love from across the interwebs, and I’m so grateful for all of you! You guys are awesome!

I hope that everyone had a very lovely holiday season, and I wish everyone a very happy new year!

Vote Vote Vote for Me!

Tomorrow, December 19th, is the big day!

Go vote for my gingerbread creation at Movita Beaucoup tomorrow to get me into the finals for Ginger 2012! Help me lay the smackdown on these other gingerbread-lovin’ bitches and give ‘em what for.

Yeah.

Man, I can’t even sound hip and cool when I’m typing.

Anyway, vote vote VOTE so that I can get some glory (and maybe some awesome cookbooks!), and I’ll consider putting up some embarrassing photos of kitchen disasters for you. Or maybe I’ll bake everyone some cookies. Either way, you guys win!

Do it. Make me proud.

Adventures in Gingerbread – Part Two: The Exciting Conclusion!

There’s a moment when you’re sitting in your kitchen with a cherished project, where the royal icing is all made up and just about to flow out of the tip of that pastry bag, and you think back on all the cookbooks you have read, all the baking blogs you faithfully follow, and all the YouTube videos you’ve seen to prepare yourself, and you take a deep breath and say to yourself…

I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.

Which was basically the thought that was racing through my brain the entire time I was attempting to ice my gingerbread monstrosity.

(Can you guys tell yet that the birds are my favorite part?)

As previously stated, I’ve never made anything involving proper gingerbread before, especially nothing that eventually had to stand up and carry its own weight. I’ve never made royal icing and piped it onto a surface before, but surely, reading so much Bakerella should prepare you for this experience, right?

In theory, yes. But in my real-life, very cold, very early morning kitchen…not so much. There’s nothing that can prepare you for drawing with liquid sugar than the very precise act of drawing with liquid sugar for the very first time.

So all that you can do is just jump in and realize that it may be a complete disaster, and that’s totally okay, because you’re still going to post it on your website so that others can share in your delight at your kitchen failure. And then keep taking deep breaths, because with enough patience and toothpicks, it might actually…look…okay.

Not exactly the storybook page come to life you were envisioning, but goddamn it, you drew a freaking boat in sugar! Who cares if there’s a whole bunch of bubbles in there! Not me! I guess! Hopefully!

Now, when you’re getting ready to work with royal icing, people warn you to get ready to work quickly because that stuff dries fast. This might be a big lie, especially if you made sure you were completely ready for this. It might actually take several hours.

It did. It did take several hours, which meant that our big moment of truth was left until this very morning. It was finally time for…The Stacking.

I’m hoping that the addition of graham crackers as a structural element here doesn’t get me disqualified (even though I might already be because my gingerbread seascape is in no way residential).

Ta da! The miracles of three-dimensionality.

Here’s a little bit of what this bad boy looks like underneath, keeping up all those layers.

Hooray!

At this point, I sat and anxiously ate a bowl of cereal, hoping that the whole thing wouldn’t slide apart all over itself before I could stand it up. Then I started to worry about it falling apart when I stood it up for the pictures. And guess what!

It didn’t! It’s actually still standing up on my counter as we speak! (Although, I’m totally going to lay that sucker right back down before I leave for work, because who knows what might happen while I’m gone. The universe might decide to shatter those cookies all over the place. Or more likely, the cat will decide that it finally needs to investigate what the hell has been going on on top of that counter all these days.)

A little backstage action, past the sight lines, so to speak.

Birds!

You guys, I am so excited. I know that there’s no way I’m going to win anything in this contest, what with the non-house, non-traditional, non-gingerbread, so completely non-perfect elements at work here, plus…these people are super-serious about their gingerbread houses. Movita‘s going to lay the smackdown, and I just. Cannot. Wait.

Sometimes getting up weird and early to bake cookies and play with sugar in order to make something completely impractical is totally worth it. Because you get to take super moody pictures of it in the morning light and feel pretty dang good about yourself.

Adventures in Gingerbread – Part One

So. There’s a lovely blogger lady about whom I have already gushed effusively, the wonderful Movita Beaucoup. She holds several no-holds-barred, throw-down, food-related contests during the year, one of which is Ginger 2012.

I have never gotten a chance to participate in one of these contests. Until now.

Bum bum buuuuuuuuummmmm!

Those were awesome suspense sound effects, by the way. Because…I have never made a gingerbread house. Ever.

There is mostly good reason for this. I’m not a big fan of ginger, as we all already know, and growing up in New Orleans just doesn’t lend itself to typical winter activities. Yes, we try to pretend it’s really cold and turn on the fireplace and drink hot chocolate and wear scarves like this is a normal activity in 60 degree weather, but really…you’ve got to have that undying holiday spirit in you to pull this off without feeling extremely silly. Gingerbread houses are just not a part of my family’s average holiday activities.

And after all of this is over, I’m pretty sure that I still will have not made a gingerbread house.

Because I am a big, ridiculous person who has to do something different. I can’t just make a little house and cover it in gumdrops, apparently.

Nope.

I have to make a gingerbread diorama. Of something completely non-holiday-related. Of course.

Not Martha‘s awesome gingerbread recipe lends itself well to cutting out strange shapes, plus it has some extremely finicky steps, which usually guarantees that I am drawn to it like a moth to a flame.

This also might be the only time I haven’t had problems with rolling out dough in my kitchen, probably because I made some serious concentrated attempts to cover everything in my kitchen in flour out of dough anxiety.

Did I mention strange shapes?

Yep. Birds.

And a really messy countertop.

There’s also a slight issue with me in that fully cooked gingerbread doesn’t really look all that different from raw gingerbread that I just put it in the oven. I’m crossing my fingers.

Now, I know that the seaside scene I’ve presented here doesn’t have much Christmas-y-ness to it, so here’s a sneak peek of some super secret presents…

Shh! Don’t tell.

Part Two…coming soon. Stay tuned.

Thankful for Pie – Mostly Wordless 2012 Edition

The simple things this year are what I’m thankful for. The little breaks from stress and school and other ridiculous things. The things that keep us sane (and keep us from freaking out about that dangling preposition up there the first sentence).

Simplicity.

So here we have, presented in no particular order, and without additional commentary, the good stuff.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happy Thanksgiving.